Triage

What brings you here? How can I help you?

They were the questions that plagued me in the lead up to my visit with Lynette. At $180 a pop I wanted value. I wanted meaningful questions that would give me meaningful answers that would change… everything.

I heard about Lynette through a good friend who had been to see her. I wasn’t sure why I wanted to see her, only that I had to.

Lynette is an energy healer, medium, clairvoyant and ghostbuster. When I arrived for my appointment she was running a little late as she had a client on the phone recounting the experience her friend had had when house sitting for her. Apparently the house in which the client lives, is haunted by an elderly woman. The house sitting friend had no knowledge of the ghost but called her late one night quite fearful with an exact description of the same woman she had been seeing.

Lynette apologised for running late and laughing said ‘ghostbusting isn’t my normal thing but it’s always interesting when it pops up!’ Indeed.

So what is her normal thing? She reads energy like a television. She reads other people’s energy through your energy. She speaks to your guides and discovers what is scarring you or has scarred you.

She’s also whatever you want her to be. If you want a cool two hour experience, then that’s all she is, a cool two hour experience.

If you’re looking for something deeper, she can be a catalyst for change. Visiting her is like seeing a triage nurse. She does the assessment, finds out where the bleeding is coming from and what bones were broken. Then she sends you to the healers to fix you.

In the weeks preceding my appointment I considered all the options of what I was going to ask her. The act of pondering and ranking questions by priority was an eye opener in itself. Sorting the chaff from the wheat in what’s important in my life.

I’m in my mid 30s and single – the obvious questions were will I get married, will I have children. Surprisingly those questions ranked fairly low. For my mum however they were the only questions that mattered.

In the end I talked about how I feel somewhat trapped in my job and feel I’m being deskilled the longer I stayed making it harder and harder to leave. And that this cycle is having an impact on my confidence in many areas not just work. And that I feel like I’m just stuck.

She gave a pretty cut and dry answer. Lynette felt a lot of my energy will ‘come in’ in January / February whatever that means. She also said that we need to get a few things on track and energetically right so I can get where I need to go.

She also mentioned there are a few things that have happened over the last 10-15 years that show up in my energy as still scarring me. Want to know what they are? Me too! We got side-tracked and never went back to this point. To be honest I didn’t even remember her saying it until I got the recording in the mail. Now I’m wondering if I’m curious enough to go back.

Instead we started at the beginning. RIGHT at the beginning.

The beginning

We talked about my energy system. Apparently it’s a nice size around a metre and a half to two metres. We also talked about my third eye being very strong and wide open and that I would have had to reign in my energy field to protect myself. She told me that I was ‘massively sensitive and could see and was very good and picking up peoples stuff. Where people are coming from, what they’re really saying, what they’re really feeling.’

I absolutely related to that. I told her later in the session that I felt like I’ve lost that sensitivity. It’s just gone. And since its disappearance I feel decidedly disconnected from people. I can’t read situations and I’m left wondering if that new person I just met meant it when they said “we should catch up sometime” or if they were just politely extricating themself.

I didn’t say all of this though. I was still on my best behaviour.

I realised then that my career question wasn’t a popular choice because we continued at the beginning. Lynette stressed that I really wanted to be here in this life and be alive. I chose to be here. She described the golden rays of light I was conceived in and then she coyly asked about my birth.

Is that a strange question to ask someone? I think it is.

As it happens my birth was a little disastrous. I went into foetal distress, did a poo inside my mum and I was in breach (the bum first kind) so they twisted me around inside my mum and the umbilical cord wrapped around my neck. Finally they gave my mum an emergency C section and then pulled me out and revived me.

What we talked about next shocked me. We talked about blame.

Blame in relation to my birth had never crossed my mind even once in my entire life. Shock was written on my face too. I knew it and tried to hide it.

Lynette was seeing negligence, she felt ‘they didn’t check mum properly or do their job properly to turn me around naturally’. I’d never heard my mum or dad speak of negligence but it was an easy one to check. I called Mum at 7am the next morning and she apprehensively ventured that she felt they waited too long after her green waters broke. Tick for Lynette.

This one experience in my life has apparently put me into a state of hyper vigilance and that is the state in which I live. Needing to be ‘majorly on to everything’ in Lynette’s words.

It has also bonded my mum and I. I would have felt her distress when I was in the womb in my own state of distress and I have carried a feeling of responsibility for her throughout my life. I didn’t agree with Lynette. Perhaps it’s the language, the word responsible.

On later reflection I thought about the 5 years I lived in London. I did call her every single day without fail. Was that because of a sense of responsibility?

The everyday calls may have also been out of a sense of guilt. I left Australia not long after my mum left my dad because of his affair. I delayed and delayed and delayed my departure leaving three months after my dad moved out. I probably would have kept delaying it if it wasn’t for friends urging me to come. I always felt that I should have perhaps stayed. Who leaves their family in such a time?

I still phone my mum a lot. A minimum of four days every week but most of the time it’s every day. Is it habit? Or could it be a sense of responsibility? I’m still pondering this one.

Lynette and I talked again about me being ‘awake’ when I was younger. And this time I did confess that I feel disconnected from people because I can’t read them anymore.

Lynette talked about my guides not wanting me to move through the world in that way anymore and now it’s about getting me in my authentic energy. She also said that by being awake or switched on is how I’ve always got where I’ve needed to go. That in the end it just wasn’t serving me and so my guides dismantled it when I was around 30, 31 years old.

Which is when I got stuck.

Stuck

Life just stopped moving. I stopped travelling, money became more complex to manage, I inherited a cat and I settled. Stuck. And getting un-stuck is the goal of this journey.

So Lynette gets a tick for being bang on about when I got stuck and why.

But I wasn’t happy with her explanation of my guides not wanting me to be sensitive anymore and I didn’t understand why they wouldn’t want me to be. Why? I was happy and connected. That’s a good thing right?

A light bulb moment

Two weeks after the reading, I was rushing to get ready for work in the morning. And all of a sudden, an epiphany washed over me. Any epiphany I’ve ever had seemed to hit me but this one washed over me… more like a revelation.

Finally I understood why I’m no longer allowed to be ‘awake’.

I’d always considered myself to be chameleon. Put me in any situation and I could connect and fit. I intrinsically knew what people wanted from me, what they wanted to hear, see, feel. And I gave it to them. I didn’t care if I was white lying. It was the path of least resistance and it made people happy and me happy.

At the same time, I was always incredibly envious of those people who were unapologetically themselves. They didn’t care whose toes they stood on or whose nose they put out of joint. They were who they were and they couldn’t or wouldn’t be anything else.

Watching those people with envy I would often wonder if the path of least resistance was actually at the expense of my self. And apparently I was right.

I could never have stopped being a chameleon. It’s my nature to make sure people are happy in my company. I will put your honour and your needs before my own. Whether it’s right or not.

I finally understood. Dismantling my sensitivity was the only way that would force me to live authentically. But what I did instead was hide.

Twisty relationships

We moved on to relationships. In Lynette’s words ‘they get a bit twisty’.

After a brief description of the pattern I seem to staunchly follow – meet the guy, all is great, I get bored, he gets super needy, I pull away, he gets needier, I break it off – she recommended a book Facing Love Addiction.

There is a cycle of push / pull energy. I attract people who are really needy and needy people are attracted to… people like me. Love addicts v love avoidants. I’ll read the book and post a review once I’m finished.

Lynette went on to say that all the bits and pieces I’ve liked in the people I’ve been in relationships with, I will probably meet in one solid partner in the next couple of years. That would be really nice, I just hope that I won’t go through the push pull thing again.

She also suggested that I write out what all those bits and pieces are so I have a clearer picture of who that person is when I come across them. I have a close friend who has been telling me to do this for the last couple of years and I haven’t listened. Ok, I get it, it’s time.

Funnily enough this conversation about relationships moved to career – apparently the two are linked. Not such an unpopular conversation after all.

Part of my inability to commit to a partner (even the two I loved desperately) stems from my spiritual knowledge that I’ve come here to fulfil a destiny and can’t commit to anything else until I’m on that path. Only then will I let someone in.

Destined

So, about my destiny. Apparently not everyone has a destiny, they need to carve one out while they’re here, alive on Earth. Mine was ordained before I was born. I chose it. I ordained it.

Lynette says I’m a fun girl, I want to have fun in the world. I need to mix philanthropy and fun. It has to be creative and visionary. I’m a global visionary and need to be in a position where I pull things together to create impact. Where I am at the moment is not quite right and it’s like I’m stuck in the birth canal. HA! Tell me about it sister.

And why are my career and relationships linked? Because I’m not living in my soul energy. I’m not on the path to fulfilling the destiny I created for myself and so there’s no point in meeting him because I’ll only repeat my pattern on him.

Mum was very happy to hear Lynette does see babies for me even if they’re not soon.

My mum

She saw that Mum was very over protective of me. If I think back to when I was in school and what I was allowed to do compared with other friends – hell my two younger sisters even – I was very much protected. And with my freedom fighting personality it made for fire cracker high school years.

Having said that, the older I get the more protective I get of her. And I guess my dad as well, in a strange way. And Lynette in a serious, matter of fact voice said ‘that doesn’t surprise me, you’re older than both of them. On every level spiritually, mentally and emotionally.’

What she said next was beautiful and gave me a lump in my throat ‘She just adores you. And when I go into her feeling for you, it’s just huge. Beyond huge. I’m a mum and I get it but it’s beyond. There’s a real remembering between you. And such a special sisterhood of souls between you.’

Just another girl with Daddy issues

‘You’re also the one who saw the most of your dad’s energy. When you were 3 you saw him for what he was.’

That statement knocked me for six. What does that even mean? My relationship with my father has always been a sticking point. He was a tough man who ruled with manipulation, mind games and criticism. There was no love, love was weakness.

I grew up with the awareness that in his eyes I wasn’t good enough, I was weak and stupid. I railed against it with whatever outrage I could. But only because it is so much easier to be angry, to feel outraged and righteous rather than hurt and vulnerable. More fireworks in my teens.

‘You would have had to do a lot of forgiving work there Lisa. You saw him very early on for what he was. That’s why he was so hard on you. Because you can’t change the way you look the way you look at people. You can’t pretend you can’t see it.’

I clarified that Lynette meant me in particular when she said ‘you can’t change the way you look when you look at people’ rather than the collective ‘you’. I suppose my attempt at hiding my shock at the ‘blame’ conversation in the beginning our session failed!

She went on to precisely describe how Dad was with me as a little girl and then said this: ‘Your dad didn’t want to see himself. The last thing he wanted was for a little girl he’s trying to push away to get to the energy of her mum, see him do it. That made him harder on you because he couldn’t bear you could see it. And there was all this unspoken conversation between you two.’

It was all true. Mum has often said that Dad was jealous of how much time she spent with me right from the time she was breastfeeding me.

I entirely relate to an unspoken conversation with him. I actually still feel that we have unspoken conversations when I see him. I’ve also replicated that magic with boyfriends since.

Lynette warned me against having people like him in my life. Those that can’t handle the truth or live in the truth. People who can’t talk about important things and don’t want to connect. Lately I’ve been realising that my entire history of boyfriends has essentially been versions of my Dad.

Talking to Lynette about this was simply amazing. She saw the depth and vastness of my hurt and I saw her see it. It was a strange feeling to have someone truly see the pain you’ve endured. I didn’t feel vulnerable or pitied I only felt understood. And in relation to my father, probably for the first time ever.

She essentially summed up our relationship with this one statement: . ‘Your past is multi layered of coming in fantastic, having this negligence and then getting here and having an intense love with your mum and then, god, watching that play out – her defend you, him trying to hurt you, you trying to make amends with him because you’re more evolved. And thinking I don’t know how many more times I’m going to be able to forgive you if you don’t stand up.’

And thinking I don’t know how many more times I’m going to be able to forgive you if you don’t stand up. I have said this exact line to myself countless times. I’ve cried it to my Mum, I’ve silently cried it to my Dad. And those old feelings of anguish are so easily felt again just by reading that line.

But there did come a point, and only in the past couple of years, where I stopped hating him for hating me. I don’t need his approval anymore. I’m ok now. I’m just not entirely over it because I’m still repeating the same damn patterns.

Who am I?

We spoke a little bit of what I am to avoid, I have a mild allergy to marijuana and smoke. And we spoke about what I need to fuel my spirit: ‘Sunlight, sea water, colour, dancing, everything that’s air and oxygen and antioxidents and juices and yoga.’

I’m so anti yoga it’s not even funny. I love stretching, love it. I just hate the hippy crap that goes with yoga. I might like it if it wasn’t for all that stuff.

‘at the heart of it you are a very organic, earth based emotionally sensitive girl.’

Things are meant to be easy for me because I came with a destiny to fulfil. For whatever reason, I did and because of that my life is meant to simply flow.

‘You have a true humanitarian soul, you’re kind of human second.’ That’s a strange statement right? Lynette explained that I’m more spirit than human. Tough one to test! I have always worked in not for profit and I identify as a humanist so she can have the first part as a tick!

Unravelling the knots

So we can fix all this, and what a relief. Lynette describes it as unravelling the knots and now through our session together we know what the knots are.

The process is a series of three cycles and each cycle includes three stages:
Balancing – through Raw Kinesiology
Breath work – which will include a birth programming. OMG I’m going to be re-birthed!
Kahuna Massage – which I’ve told feels like you’re sitting in the lap of love. Quite excited about this part!

Each cycle will focus on different knots.
1. The first will be around changing my birthing pattern.
2. The second cycle is clearing my father’s energy and the patterns I repeat that were created in response to growing up with him.
3. The third cycle will be about connecting back to my vision.

The first cycle is booked in for the first week of November. Straight after I’ll be spending a week in a house on the south coast with books, a bikini and a laptop. No mobile phone, lots of juices, sunshine, small possibility of dancing and yoga, guaranteed air and oxygen and antioxidants.

I’ll write again then. In the meantime if you’ve seen Lynette or gone through any part of the cycle, leave a comment or drop me a line and let me know your experiences.