What a seriously intense day.
If you remember from way back in the first post, Triage, I’m to undertake 3 cycles of energy healing. Today I completed the first part of the first cycle.
The first part was a Balance or raw kinesiology with a lovely lady, Joy, who I’ve nicknamed, Joyful at Evoke.
To be honest I hadn’t expected much. A girlfriend has gone through her first cycle and said she was underwhelmed by the session, though did feel some significant effects in the days following.
It’s a strange process, essentially involving a series of questions from Joyful’s spirit to mine with answers delivered through muscle testing her fingers, which directed her to specific affirmations in her notebooks, or paragraphs in books, that would indicate both the issue and the answer to clearing the issue.
There was a lot of clicking of fingers and counting numbers. We probably said around 30 affirmations together which was actually harder than it sounds. She reads the affirmation first and then I repeat it.
Repeating the affirmations reminded me of a couple saying their vows in three word sentences, I Joe Blogs > I Joe Blogs, Take you Jane Smith > Take you Jane Smith etc.
Even though they were short, part sentences, I sometimes forgot what I was meant to be saying or was too choked up to say them clearly. My stoicism failed me and I was embarrassed by my vulnerability.
Primary themes that came up:
- I surrogate for everyone
- I can’t see what my life purpose is
- I have a fear and anxiety of not being enough
- There is heavy conditioning around putting myself first or rather guilt and shame if I do put myself first
- Addictions. Bloody smoking rearing its ugly head in my energy healing.
We talked about smoking for a little bit, her insight was interesting. Quitting smoking successfully comes when a shift in thinking accompanies the attempt. Ok, on board.
Her suggestion was to recall my original motivation for taking up smoking – known as the sponsoring thought – and consider how time has changed that motivation. Create a new, improved sponsoring thought. She was hoping I’d get an a-ha moment and be cured of my affliction. Not so much.
At the time I thought I understood what surrogacy means but I don’t. It’s something I need to investigate more, though there is surprisingly little on the web. Apparently I surrogate for everyone and I don’t know how to function otherwise. So much so, that when she tried to release me from all those I surrogate for, my spirit said no. She was surprised, grounded me and the second attempt was successful. I’m not sure I feel any different regarding this but perhaps I just don’t understand it?
Not being able to see my purpose is what started this whole process and I was pleased to find that it came up. We said some affirmations around vision and clear sight. I guess this is a waiting game?
At one point she touched me and said ‘wow, so much fear and anxiety of not being enough, wow. ‘
Everyone can relate to that fear. We’ve all felt it at some point in our lives. It’s a fear that can drive you to do more, learn more and dance in protest on the periphery of your comfort zone. And then, it can paralyse.
In the moment she said the words, big grieving sobs fell out of me. I know I’ve spent most of my life protesting against that fear and have, mostly, won. But somehow, somehow I’ve lost the energy to fight and the fear has been winning and it’s paralysing me. It’s got to stop. How to start stopping I guess is the next question.
Guilt and shame when putting myself first is an interesting one. I don’t have the usual suspects in my life you hear about from others – no husband or children and my family are not demanding in the least. However, I do feel a pang whenever I say no to anyone and tend to overcompensate with extensive explanations. Hi my name is Lisa and I’m a yes man.
Post balance, I felt completely and utterly displaced. I felt grief for the way I’ve regarded myself and felt entirely alone in the world. No body should walk around with a fear they’re not enough, I wouldn’t want that for anybody and nor should I allow it for myself. I think I’m finally starting to understand the sentiment behind the saying – be kind to your self.
The feeling of grief and loneliness remained all day. I do wonder if the loneliness has anything to do with releasing me from my surrogacies. I did a meditation with rose quartz and moldavite and slowly felt better into the night but it took a really long time.
I’ve not written about my recent enlightenment with crystals, but I will. I never picked myself for someone who would get into rocks, as pretty as they are, but my experience with them in the last week or so has been verging on the profound.
Feeling so much pain after this session brought me to make a very conscious choice. I am putting my inner sceptic aside – at least for the duration of this cycle. This journey is raising deep-seated issues I have known all my life need to be addressed. It’s time now. If this is all hoo-ha, I actually don’t care. I care about fixing my broken parts whatever the method.
To the breath session.