The Breathwork session is the second element of the energetic healing cycle (Balance, Breathwork, Kahuna).
I was most nervous about this element because Lynette said my birthing pattern was to be re-programmed. I.e: I would be rebirthed.
In my reading Lynette gave me a list of bullets to tell Denise, my breathwork practitioner, and Denise would then take me, and talk me, through it.
Here’s the list:
- I came in on rays of golden light ready to be born into this world at this time and then my birth happened
- I began surrogating for mum when I went into distress before the birth
- After I was born, dad rejected me and became very jealous of the time required of mum (and her attention) to care for a newborn
- I started a pattern where I think everything is complicated and difficult
- I don’t want to get close to any one, I shut down and cut off
- I’m still stuck in the birth canal
I was 10 mins late to this session for no other reason than I was putting off leaving the house. Delaying the inevitable.
Denise has a therapy room in the Intuitive Well centre in Bondi Junction. It’s a seriously peaceful place. Going up the stairs to the reception area almost feels like slipping down into a meditation.
Denise came to greet me and took me to her space. It’s a small space with two chairs and a yoga mat on the floor with sarongs layered on top. Talk about intimidating – I kept glancing at the bed/mat and thinking of all the things that might have gone on previously there and what the hell was going to happen to me. There was no sleeping bag or cat tunnel that I could be re-born out of which was a relief.
We talked for a bit about the list and why I was there, and surprisingly she said that we would go back to before my birth to where I set my destiny to get a clearer picture of where I am meant to be going in my life. Discover my purpose.
I was absolutely fine with that. No rebirth today.
Before we started, I asked her about surrogacy and what it actually means. This question has been burning a hole in me since the Balance.
She sighed when I asked, not from impatience but what felt like empathy.
“Surrogacy is the disease of the open hearted.” There was a pregnant pause as if that alone had cleared up an confusion.
Me: OK… so what is it exactly?
Denise: When you connect with the people around you, you invariably hear their woes, oh my father passed away after a long illness, oh my boyfriend cheated, oh I’m a little depressed, oh my fiancé left me etc. Surrogacy is where you take on their energy, their pain to offer them a little relief.
Me: Oh, that doesn’t sound bad at all. Why is that bad?
Denise: Because there comes a time when you stop knowing where your energy stops and others’ begins. You no longer know how you feel about things, which direction you should take and you get stuck.
There it is again, stuck. So my instinct to surrogate for everyone has contributed to getting stuck.
The surrogacy I have with my mum, came up later in the breathwork and had me retching with tears in the attempt to let it go.
Logistics of Breathwork
The concept of Breathwork is to go into a meditation using your breath. We’ve all done that meditation. Easy right? Wrong.
This method of breathing is designed to flush energy through your system. It’s a deep breath in, no natural pause at the top, push the deep breath out, no natural pause at the bottom and repeat. Almost deep panting. Continuously. No stopping for breaks. Try it out. My head gets all light and spacey and I want to shake it clear.
The key, she said, was no matter where you breathe from, your nose or mouth, you must exhale from where you inhaled. i.e. inhale through your nose and exhale through your mouth is wrong, in through your nose out through your nose is correct etc.
She explained that through the process she will ask questions or make statements and I’m to say the first thing that comes into my mind like when someone says Black the first thing I want to say is white, coffee – cigarettes, chicken – egg etc.
Then we started.
What went down
First, she asked me to put my left hand on my belly – the left hand represented me at every age before the one I’m at now. The right hand represents me as my 35 year old self today and rested lightly on top of my left hand – comforting all of my earlier ages.
We were doing this for a while and I must have been tough to get to the place where she needed me to be so she said we were going to work on the pattern of thinking everything needs to be difficult.
It was then that she started calling me ‘little one’ that was a term of affection I used to hear my dad call my sisters. I’ve never been called little one and I was surprised to find myself feeling small, vulnerable and close to tears.
We did a couple of affirmations on my right hand telling my left hand that things don’t have to be difficult, that I can safely let go.
Throughout she encouraged me to breathe through my mouth and make an aah sound on the exhale but I felt self-conscious and it dried out the back of my throat. I did it now because she directed me to and in the other bits she asked me to but always went back to through my nose.
She then took me to my birth with mum. I was to visualise being in the womb and having the umbilical cord wrapped around my neck, I started to panic in real life – like I couldn’t breathe.
She reassuring me saying “remember it’s not happening now, let your right hand comfort the child in the womb”.
I felt immediately better hearing her say that and I remember thinking wow, that was easy – I wonder if I’m hypnotised.
Without going into it step by step – namely because I can’t remember which part happened when. This is the crux of it:
My hands and feet tingled so much they hurt and at one point I had to tell her that my throat was vibrating because I was worried that it wasn’t normal.
Apparently the tingles are normal and it’s energy circulating areas it doesn’t usually get to – which is why breathwork is about that particular style of breathing.
My throat was vibrating so much I kept pushing my head backwards as if to look at what was on the floor behind me. And I was sweating, I was so so hot but only moments before I was almost too cold. Denise picked up on it and folded a sarong down from one of my shoulders for relief.
She started asking things about my birth and through that I uncovered the following: (keep in mind that I’M THE ONE saying these things, they have come from me. Black > white, what do you feel > XX)
- I feel guilty for being so difficult through my birth
- I feel guilty for causing my mum distress and pain for her first time having a baby
After this bit she asked me to visualise my mum and have her tell me that I was never at fault, that I was an innocent.
It’s bizarre that these things came up. I’ve never felt a pang of guilt in my conscious life ever. But when I said those words, I was inconsolable. I couldn’t cry enough. Have you ever had that feeling? That you’re not crying hard enough to match the pain you’re feeling? It hurt so badly because, despite not feeling guilt in my everyday consciousness, I still recognised that I did actually own those feelings.
Is this why I surrogate for mum? For everyone? Because of an underlying guilt that I’m difficult to have around?
My breathing was so intense I was crying to the rhythm of my breath.
Then came the healing part – Denise said we were going to clear those feelings and the energies that created them. I felt great almost excited like I was about to banish them to the wheelie bin. She led me to identify a colour I associate with that energy – I saw an amethyst crystal so I said purple. She told me to see that purple as a light and at the same time visualise my mum and send the purple light back to her.
Seriously. I could no more visualise that than walk on hot coals. I said a very stern, no. Denise asked why, I asked why. That colour represents pain, I don’t want to send it to my mum, why do I need to? Because it’s energy and it was your mums to start with, you were surrogating for her.
In my meditative, hypnotic, grief stricken state it made sense, so I tried but it never reached her. And now I feel like it’s in limbo land attached to me like a balloon on a child’s wrist. Which is much further away from me than IN me. Bonus?
I got very cold very quickly and once again Denise could sense it, or was I shivering, and covered my shoulder back up. She then asked what I needed to learn from my parents:
- The lessons I am to learn from my relationship with mum are to experience affinity and learn how to let go
- The lesson I am to learn from my dad is to rise above rejection
Interesting. Letting go seems to be coming up a lot.
We then went back to before my birth. I was to visualise my soul – I was gorgeous by the way, very ethereal, long hair down to my waist, a gentle wind machine was blowing the fabric of my sheer robes – and where my soul lives (have you seen the episodes in True Blood where Sookie is in the Fairy kingdom? It’s kind of like that but with more ambiance).
I saw it immediately. There was no delay, no forcing, the image just appeared in my mind and dare I say it, it was familiar.
Once upon a time, I had a piece of canvas, which came from who knows where, about A1 size. On it, I drew a magical winged insect commonly known as a dragon fly. It came out exactly as I wanted it to so I went on to draw a tree in the foreground, a fallen tree over a lake, mushrooms and a forest in the background. All in led pencil. Let it be known right now, that I cannot draw. There is one artist in my family and it’s my littlest sister, whether she believes it or not.
I can’t draw, but this thing I drew was incredible. I was proud of it, it was good. And it was what I saw in the vision. Or is it the other way around? Had I drawn what I already knew? I guess we’ll never know. It’s an interesting thought to ponder though.
When I was there, in the vision of where I was before my birth, Denise asked me questions which I answered while picking leaves off trees (the wind machine was still at work).
- What am I put here to do: To help
- What is my purpose: To serve
- Who will I serve: The helpless
- What is my talent: Helping
- What do you see: Aeroplanes – and they were everywhere, like a montage of planes.
- What will I most experience in my fulfilling my purpose: Joy
And there we have it folks. My destiny is to help the helpless and that will bring me joy.
In what way we are yet to see. Denise gave me some homework to cut through the ambiguity of my responses.
Write three lists:
- What I’d love to do – paid or otherwise
- What are my gifts?
- From the above two lists – What is needed and wanted in the world today?
After the Breathwork and time for the debrief I was asked to come back to the chair. I felt so woozy, I could have been drunk. Getting to the chair 40cm away seemed a physical challenge at that point.
That drunken feeling stayed with me for another 20 minutes at least – I kept shaking my head as if to right the world again from spinning.
I did have the presence of mind to ask about my throat vibrating. Denise said it was because I don’t speak my truth.
I think my response was along the lines of the people who know me well probably wouldn’t say that. Her response was unexpected: You only say what you know will be accepted. Accepted outrage, accepted hurt, accepted acceptance.
It rang true for me. I’ve said to a lot of people – well, my father and several boyfriends: “You don’t hear me”. Maybe it wasn’t them not hearing me, maybe it was me hoping them to hear what I wasn’t saying.
A lot of food for thought.
Next up – Kahuna ooh la la.