Hi friends, I’m back! I’m still not entirely sure why I was gone, but I did fall off the path for a bit. I have my suspicions about what happened but I’ll let you draw your own conclusions…
My last post was 9 January and in the intervening time a lot has happened.
- A new flatmate moved in.
- I had my birthday weekend up the coast with some wonderful friends and three of us rode our motorbikes there. A tick for joy.
- My (unrelated) Uncle Tommy passed away. I mentioned him in this post.
- I did an energy healing cycle that focused on my relationship with money. I was balanced through raw kinesiology and had an amazing breath work session. I didn’t think a Kahuna love-fest was required for this focus so I skipped it. (And I really am back so expect a write up of both sessions in the coming weeks).
- I rode to the country on my motorbike with my Dad to see my family – another tick for joy!
- I got sick with bronchitis and spent a week with my parents.
- My flatmate moved out.
My friend Emma and I have had many discussions on why I haven’t been writing which has birthed a few theories.
Guilt: Do you remember the 40 for 40 Challenge I posted? It was essentially a public pact to meditate for 40 minutes everyday for 40 days. I was so determined to see it through and was doing really well, until Christmas.
Going into the challenge I was very aware the most difficult part would, not only, be in finding the time over the holidays to steal away for my meditation but also in saying ‘I’m stealing away to meditate’.
Last year our family Christmas Day was held on Boxing Day so my sisters could spend Christmas Day with their husbands’ families. So Mum and I spent Christmas Day together cooking, lazing, playing scrabble and later wine time :). I meditated that day and was met with bafflement and though minor I sensed my mum’s restraint. I didn’t meditate again while I was there.
In all I missed four days over Christmas. I meditated once when I was back home in Sydney but it was a half-hearted effort because the challenge was ruined. I had failed! What was the point in completing the final days in the challenge?
I also knew I’d have to ‘fess up to you guys and I really didn’t want to! So… no writing.
And, as I’ve discovered, once you’ve stopped for a bit – it’s really difficult to start again. I was feeling so guilty I even stopped checking in to wordpress to read others’ posts or say hi to new followers (If you’re reading this and you haven’t had a hello from me, you’re next on my hit list).
This is my friend Emma’s theory and I’m starting to think there is some serious weight to it.
Emma starting putting two and two together weeks ago and bet that when my flatmate moved out, I’d start writing. I was unconvinced at the time but take a look at the timeline:
- Last blog post: 9 January
- Flatmate moved in > 11 January
- I stopped writing
- When things were not going as well as they could have been with my flatmate I got bronchitis and was sick for two weeks.
- My flatmate moved out yesterday > 16 March
- Whaddya know: I started writing > 17 March
For background, my flatmate was a stranger I found through a flat share website. She lives in fear. Not the cowering, paralysing type of fear of say… spiders. She lives in a protectionist state of her own creation.
It was an amazing thing to watch when I think of it. The more she protected herself the more issues she had to fight in order to maintain her protection. She is a lesson unto herself and one which really should be unpacked in a later post.
My flatmate moved out on Sunday and I came home from work early yesterday to ‘interview’ two potential new flatmates. On the weekend Emma gifted me a sage stick and suggested I do the house. I had some time before the interviews so I gave it a go. It was my first time sage-ing and I have to admit, it was foul. I’m not a fan of marijuana and that was exactly what it smelled like to me – I heaved several times whilst I was precariously perched on furniture to get the smoke in all of the corners. So gross.
Later in the night I was in the shower and it washed over me. It’s time. There is so much to say about these last few months. I have to start now. And quite literally I did. I wrote half of this post standing in the kitchen in my towel dripping water all over the floor.
Did the sage smudge shift the energy and bring me back to writing?
I’m conflicted as to which theory it is as well, they’re all pretty plausible. But whichever it is, I can take away these lessons from the last three months.
- I am an all or nothing person. Missing four days of a challenge doesn’t mean I should just stop. Balance and kindness to myself needs work.
- My actions are too easily influenced/directed/overwhelmed by others’ energies
- In reference to theory one: My mumma only had to bristle and I gave up four days of meditation – which led to the complete abandonment of the challenge. Where’s my commitment?
- In reference to theory two: It is amazing what an impact two incompatible energies have on each other. I’m sure she was as unhappy as I was – she actually started a smoking habit while she was living here which is not the behaviour of a happy person. I can absolutely see how relationships deteriorate to states where neither party is recognisable to themselves – it’s a slippery slope and it can happen seriously fast.
- The barriers I feel from time to time ARE NOT I repeat ARE NOT obscure, magical signs from never-never-land to stop and wait for a sign to proceed. They are actually signs that I’m unconsciously forfeiting my progress. They are a call to arms, a call to commit more fervently. A call I’ve drastically misinterpreted.
My three months off the spiritual wagon has been invaluable simply for these lessons and in particular the last.
Very often I feel barriers to things and I treat those feelings with a kind of reverence like I’m tapping into an inexplicable intuition. I now know it’s not a sixth-sense; it’s self-sacrifice. The way forward is to stop, unpack the barrier, and continue with fortitude.
Oh I’m back, friends, and I have so much to tell you 🙂